TREMORS = ISOLATION = DEPRESSION

Today I still can produce nice crafts even with minor tremors.  I'ts better
than just being a couch potato like I was before.

Okay so today I share another part of my life and what I deal with.  I am almost not yet 64.  Lol.  I am diagnosed with major depression, I tend to isolate...a lot.  And I was born with essential tremors that has definitely progressed with age.  What a vicious cycle that has been for me.  And  you wouldn't know because most of you have never walked in my shoes.

I never really knew I had tremors until I was in Junior High (Middle School).  I do remember my mom yelling at me often to quit shaking at a very young age of 5 on up.  But I never noticed them, felt them in my belly deep inside. I realized I had no control at age 13.  So, I began to isolate at an early age.

During recess I would run to the girls bathroom and hide.  At lunch time I would pack a lunch and eat walking towards an isolated area, then find the nearest bathroom until lunch was over.  How I longed to sit and eat with my friends in the cafeteria or with a group at a table.  I had spent my elementary years being bullied, and didn't want this to happen in my new school.  So I hid for fear of being made fun of.  Besides by that time I could not always hold food on my fork.  Nor could I make a drink straight to my lips without making a mess.  And to think I thought this was normal.  Lol, now I can laugh about it.  Thank God.


I thought this was normal because my mom shook a lot.  My younger brother also shook, but not as bad as I.  So in my life tremors, shaking and jerking was the norm. I would laugh sometimes, and said I was doing a new dance called the "Shake Rattle And Roll".  I didn't really see it as odd or a disability because we still had to function.  Tremor or not.  If we didn't do our chores, we would all get our butt's whipped.   Back in my day it was allowed.  Glad that is no longer the norm.  As I got older I had to work to pay rent and bills right.  Isn't that the norm?

Anyway, I  can  really see how the TREMORS = ISOLATION = DEPRESSION can link with one another.  I really don't feel depressed because I stay busy but I also have the Lord in my life.  I guess my body recognizes depression as a safe mode. I will say that since my DBS implant my tremors and depression are much better. I still deal with the isolation part.  It's still not good, but I am working on it.  I live in a high rise building and find it very difficult to get past my door.  The mail room is on this floor but on the other side of this building.  I've made it there 3 times this month.  I have to be really needy for something to get out my door. I am single and have dated only once in 20+ years.

So my tremors have caused me major depression and isolation.  I am not complaining at all.  I feel I am right where I am supposed to be.  I am on this journey of life for a reason.  Today, I feel the need to share what it's been like, and where I am now since my DBS implant.  I am not sure where I am going but I know it's going to only get better.  I really do love to get out, when I am with a family member or a friend.  I laugh and really enjoy my company to the fullest.  It's the getting out the door that's not easy for me.  Good thing I believe in miracles.  I am a miracle.  If you only knew:)  Till then,  Many blessings.

Sincerely,

Mary Helen